Part two... the not soo good part of Christmas.
Christmas 2009 marks the second year that my mom is no longer with us. She passed away five weeks after the birth of Grace. I remember having a moment while I was sitting on the bed nursing Linden this past month - and I was thinking of my mom. She was soo young. And it still seems strange to think she is no longer here. Looking down at Lindens face would at times make me sad because my mom will never have the opportunity to hold and cuddle him as a baby. I know she is in heaven and is well aware of his existence... and what we are doing - but its not the same as having her here ... to tell her face to face what I should have said more often "I love you". And to hug her .. more. My family wasn't and isn't very affectionate.. but I think we are working on that.
And so what frustrates me even more is the family that is here.... the not so good part of Christmas... huh? You might be saying 'I don't get what you are saying... '??? Ok ok - so I never said I was an author... it takes me a bit to get my point across. I'm sure I will get some flak for this post... but I get beyond frustrated with family members that I try to connect with.. let them know I love them.. that I am thinking of them almost daily... that I want to develop of closer relationship with... and well they just brush me off (at least that's how I feel)... and whoever is reading this... (if you are family)... will likely feel convicted by this post and you will know who you are (and no it's not you Adri) ;)
I don't get it.... we are family, lets try to become closer and more involved in each others lives.
So this is the not so good part of Christmas. Family that is far away and that are soo dreadfully missed. Family that put up walls and don't allow me (or the rest of my brew) in. Family that you wished you could have.
To end on a good note: I am soo dedicated to my immediate family. I want Jay, Ava, Gabriel, Grace and Linden to know everyday that I love them. That I would do anything for them. That they can always depend on me. And that I am always always trying my best to be the best mom I can be.
And so Merry Christmas to all my family near and far - you are missed and you are loved.